Lately I've had a great deal of time to reflect on who the last 10 years have made me. There are times that I find myself with the exact same decisions as a decade prior and scoff at the decisions I would have made then. But there's a reason that I know the judgement calls I would have made previously: they're still an option. I still weigh them against good judgement. I'm one skewed-impulse-control moment away from a poor life choice. That takes away any delusion that my guard can be down.
Some days it feels like being a man is just like being a child with a well defined inner-scold mechanism.
There are so many similarities to 26 year old Blake. I still see futures that are irrelevant and ridiculously long and have to reign in all the emotions attached to them. I still make up short term hypothetical situations that can involve me and others that don't matter and I'm frustrated when they don't culminate in the proper hypothetical ending.
But there are differences. I don't care about the futures I build. My mind constructs them too quickly to be stopped, but I have the knowledge that they are ridiculous. I have learned that I do not want to force those destinies because of the pain involved. Where 26 year old Blake has found the love of his life, 36 year old Blake has turned down 3 dates. I do these things not out of fear but the wisdom that my life supports hanging out with friends and Bible studies and playing my XBox in between custody of my boys.
The best part of me that I could offer anyone right now is good company and maybe some Nutella.
And these decisions, all in all, are the ones to which I believe God has led me. I have the most good friendships I've had in 10 years. I am rebuilding some I've lost years ago. And my relationship with my sons gets only stronger though I see them less. But it's only because I stopped following my own stupidity, my own personally drawn fates. Those have always been failures. I depend on a Spirit-led relationship and the wisdom that comes from 36 years of poor decisions.
The biggest realization has been realizing that I have had no idea what I am doing.
"As you're tearing down this house there is only one thing I can say, 'I'm so glad you take away.'"
--Wavorly