Lately I cannot stop thinking about two things in my life: bravery and purpose. It has come to the point to where both are haunting me. I feel confined by the situations in my life that seem to keep me from following anything that I would consider a higher calling, and I'm also left wondering if it's those situations or my own fear that keeps me from breaking free.
In the Old Testament, when Esther was the Queen, Mordecai sent her a message that she should use her position as queen to save the Jews. He told her that she shouldn't think that her life would be spared because she was the queen. The words he used were akin to, "And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this." Historically, this was her time. In the end she decided to be brave, and if it meant to die, she would die. But the message of her story isn't that she used her position of her authority, it's that she realized her purpose and was brave enough to execute it.
One month ago I made a quiet declaration that the stagnant parts of my life were going to be dismantled, knowing that reconstruction takes strength and courage that I didn't possess at the time. I neglected to prepare even then knowing that I should, and I'm now left in a tornado of prayers and thoughts as these changes are already taking place, trying to play catch-up, hoping that nothing too drastic changes and knowing that things have already happened for which I was woefully unprepared. I've tried to seize control of the situation, thinking that I know where it's going, only to have a person who barely knew me tell me more about my personality than I knew about myself, revealing an even larger gap in my capacity to assess my own capabilities.
But I return to Esther, who I assume didn't have much time to prepare. And I know that I'm not responsible for the salvation of an entire race of people. I do feel things shifting but I don't even have a Mordecai to tell me what or why. But it's something that hasn't moved in two years.
So maybe there's a purpose in what's going on.
And maybe it's time is now.
And maybe, just maybe, I can be brave enough this time.