The Long Dark Tea time of the Soul

7 Weeks 4 days.

That's how long my wife and son have been gone. Long enough to change me, but not long enough that there isn't a fresh pain to it every day.
Don't mistake what I am saying. I cannot state enough that she should have left me sooner, and that I should have let her leave me a long time ago. I believe that the more hurt there is to heal, the longer the separation must be. Maybe if I had worked on my problems, there wouldn't have even been a need for a physical separation.

But, unfortunately, working on a problem means admitting that there is a problem on which to work, and up until now I've tended to live my life on the defensive side, never once throwing on a new challenge unless there was none other to be found. I like my life to be an adventure, but I like the adventure to come to me. If by some off chance I choose the issue, I choose one that isn't so close to my heart. Maybe, you know, just lose a job or get a speeding ticket.

The stages of grief are the same no matter what you go through, but the anger part, well, that's a lot tougher when its all aimed at yourself. Don't feel sorry for me. I deserve all of it.

So now I'm packing my three bedroom home and moving into a one bedroom apartment. I won't call it home, and that will hurt even more. I look forward to moving to Dallas now. I will be closer to my estranged wife and son. I will be able to attend a church where maybe I can have some friends to spend some time with outside of the church.

For now, I'll just stay broken. Purposefully. And I will continue to throw myself into the despair, because in it is growth, and because I'm tired of being fearful of what might come upon me. With God empowering me, I will continue to ambush everything I've always been concerned of, and I will emerge unrecognizable.

Good news for people who like bad news

*ring*
No, that's my work phone, and it sucks. I don't ever answer that phone. I'll let it forward to the other phone sitting right next to it.
*ring*
That's the phone I answer. It has a pretentious headset with a blinky light.
What is said: "I have a repair call for you at the TJMaxx in Longview. Do you have time to do it, or do you have other calls?"
What should be said: "Do you think you can find time between episodes of 'Scrubs' to go fix a cash register or two? Or are you too busy to put on a shirt and get out of the house?"
Either way the answer is the same... "maybe".
This job isn't as much a career as it is a lifestyle. Not that I mind getting calls. After all, there are only three seasons of "Scrubs" out on DVD, and "MacGyver" was canceled 15 years ago. Plus every man needs to put in his 2 to 6 hours of work a day to feel useful.
This is a welcome and still in some ways displeasing change from six months ago. I had a job a hated, and I barely had time for family, friends, or the nervous breakdown that I was quickly approaching.
But now I am truly blessed to have time for all of those things. Ironically, none of them seem to be around anymore.
What a terrbile post.