The Early 2000s Cliche Driven Life

Lately I cannot stop thinking about two things in my life: bravery and purpose. It has come to the point to where both are haunting me. I feel confined by the situations in my life that seem to keep me from following anything that I would consider a higher calling, and I'm also left wondering if it's those situations or my own fear that keeps me from breaking free.
In the Old Testament, when Esther was the Queen, Mordecai sent her a message that she should use her position as queen to save the Jews. He told her that she shouldn't think that her life would be spared because she was the queen. The words he used were akin to, "And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this." Historically, this was her time. In the end she decided to be brave, and if it meant to die, she would die. But the message of her story isn't that she used her position of her authority, it's that she realized her purpose and was brave enough to execute it.
One month ago I made a quiet declaration that the stagnant parts of my life were going to be dismantled, knowing that reconstruction takes strength and courage that I didn't possess at the time. I neglected to prepare even then knowing that I should, and I'm now left in a tornado of prayers and thoughts as these changes are already taking place, trying to play catch-up, hoping that nothing too drastic changes and knowing that things have already happened for which I was woefully unprepared. I've tried to seize control of the situation, thinking that I know where it's going, only to have a person who barely knew me tell me more about my personality than I knew about myself, revealing an even larger gap in my capacity to assess my own capabilities.
But I return to Esther, who I assume didn't have much time to prepare. And I know that I'm not responsible for the salvation of an entire race of people. I do feel things shifting but I don't even have a Mordecai to tell me what or why. But it's something that hasn't moved in two years.
So maybe there's a purpose in what's going on.
And maybe it's time is now.
And maybe, just maybe, I can be brave enough this time.

I Have No Idea What I Am Doing

"As I'm building up this house I wonder what of it will stay. It seems you just take things away..."

Lately I've had a great deal of time to reflect on who the last 10 years have made me. There are times that I find myself with the exact same decisions as a decade prior and scoff at the decisions I would have made then. But there's a reason that I know the judgement calls I would have made previously: they're still an option.  I still weigh them against good judgement. I'm one skewed-impulse-control moment away from a poor life choice. That takes away any delusion that my guard can be down. 

Some days it feels like being a man is just like being a child with a well defined inner-scold mechanism. 

There are so many similarities to 26 year old Blake. I still see futures that are irrelevant and ridiculously long and have to reign in all the emotions attached to them. I still make up short term hypothetical situations that can involve me and others that don't matter and I'm frustrated when they don't culminate in the proper hypothetical ending.

But there are differences. I don't care about the futures I build. My mind constructs them too quickly to be stopped, but I have the knowledge that  they are ridiculous. I have learned that I do not want to force those destinies because of the pain involved. Where 26 year old Blake has found the love of his life, 36 year old Blake has turned down 3 dates. I do these things not out of fear but the wisdom that my life supports  hanging out with friends and Bible studies and playing my XBox in between custody of my boys. 

The best part of me that I could offer anyone right now is good company and maybe some Nutella.  

And these decisions, all in all, are the ones to which I believe God has led me. I have the most good friendships I've had in 10 years. I am rebuilding some I've lost years ago. And my relationship with my sons gets only stronger though I see them less. But it's only because I stopped following my own stupidity, my own personally drawn fates. Those have always been failures. I depend on a Spirit-led relationship and the wisdom that comes from 36 years of poor decisions. 

The biggest realization has been realizing that I have had no idea what I am doing. 

"As you're tearing down this house there is only one thing I can say, 'I'm so glad you take away.'"

--Wavorly